"Release The Kraken!"

This happen to me every year; days or even weeks into Ramadan, a pack of unscrupulous 'strangers’ (people who've never acknowledged my existence before, and suddenly become chummy with me) would come out of the woodwork pushing their Raya “must-haves” to me – you know, things like Baju Raya, Keronsang Raya, Kasut Raya, Tudung Raya or even *roll eyes* One Drop Perfume Raya (unbelievable!) - but mostly they are after me for their Kuih Raya varieties.

And I - being a gullible, sympathetic fool - would normally “force” to buy them in droves. Not that I desperately need 10 types of pineapple tarts or 20 packets of Rempeyek Kacang Hijau or anything like that; it’s just that, in this time of year, every little half-baked, bland, tasteless mold would appear like cuisine to me.

I tell you, the situation in the office is so chaotic, I sometimes imagine myself a lost Japanese tourist in an ancient temple somewhere in Southern India mobbed by underage beggars asking for small change. It’s maddening. And this would usually end up badly for me.

By the end Syawal, I would be stuck with boxes full of unopened tubs of a dozen of tarts varieties and I’d be forced to live off butter, flour and eggs and fats until my next paycheck. I guess, it means, I’d be too broke then to spend on healthy, nutritious food for a full one month. I would end up with at least 10 kilo overweight, that's for sure.

And the circle continues. Year out, year in.

So this year I want to make some changes to this routine. I am putting the record straight here.

The way I see it, people are taking advantage on my perennial (and yet charming) single status. They pity me for sure, but mostly they see me as a goldmine or a slot machine in the casino or maybe they see a big Ringgit sign on my forehead or whatever. I don’t know.

They think, single people got away with a lot of things, with a lot of dough in our hands to spend on ourselves only. They also probably think we are all selfish jerk who don’t care about others and averse to charities. Wrong! As the eldest in the family, I probably spend more money on my family back home during Raya than any single country’s pledge to Humanitarian Aid to Pakistan Flood at this moment. (I am not kidding. My mom and my sisters are of a very high taste and they know ‘exactly’ what they want)

I need to put a stop to this. This must end now.

So anyone who dares to come near my cubicle after this, just prepare yourself, “strangers”! I am imagining myself looks like Liam Neeson in ‘Clash of The Titans’ and I will chase you out in a booming Zeus voice, “Release the Kraken!”

And the Kraken will rage up, “EEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!”

The Blame Game

I am a mess. Right now, my room looks exactly like an exploded recycle plant or something. It’s a total hopeless situation. There’s a pile after pile of unrecognized, urm, stuff. And man, it looks like something can really evolve in there.

Relax, I am not gonna post any photo evident here. The image would be too shocking, too gruesome; it’d give you weeks of sleepless nights. Trust me, I, haven’t sleep that well for weeks now.

Lately I am too tired to clean up after myself. Since the start of Ramadan, I feel too bushed and sleepy like, all the time to even care about my personal hygiene, much less, personal grooming. This year, fasting seems a little bit harder than before. I just lie around on my bed and wait for my housemate to dab wet towel around my mouth. I feel like I am 2-year old again.

For the most part, my day consists of sitting in a chair or lying, and maybe 'microwave-ing' something for berbuka, if I really want to strain myself. As such, I’m not really exerting myself that much, and thus, I usually don’t feel that dirty. I still shower every day, at least once a day. But I often just put the same clothes on after I shower, because they don’t seem “dirty” to me. I’m not above spraying some perfume or some air freshener on a t-shirt that I’ve already worn for two days and putting it on again. Does this make me gross? I’m actually pretty smell-conscious, and I think I can tell when an article of clothing has gone "sour”. Just this week, I wore the same pair of sweatpants and the same t-shirt for two and a half days. Does this make me gross? Not public sewage gross, but normal gross?

And just a couple days ago, I watched this Oprah re-run on Hallmark and she had this so-called special segment for hoarders in America. It’s basically about what are they and how they live their life - their home, family and stuff.

All I can say, *cue roll eyes*, “That’s nothing, dahling, come see my room now, and those hoarders’ houses would look like a NASA Research Lab in comparison". Seriously.

The thing that really bugs me right now, and probably shocking to some people, I used to be very neat and tidy *cue laugh track*. I freaked out seeing my dirty laundry lying around the house and I never wore the same socks two days in a row. (I am sure my ex-housemate, Hasmiron can attest to that)

God, I really don’t know how did I get here? I really want my old self back – the neat and the not-so-fat one, but right now it's too hot and I am thirsty. Sigh.

Great. Now instead of getting up and doing something about it, I find it much easier to blame it on puasa and write about it here.

And, as the Queen Oprah said on the show; it’s the first common thing among us, lazy ass, hoarders.

Damn you!