Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Love Letter To Myself

My days in the hospital were finally over, so today I slept in my own bed. I missed my bears. It is so good to be home without anyone poking my skin with needle every two hours or so. I can finally sleep peacefully, knowing that no one will ask me to ‘roll over’ in the middle of the night anymore.

Most of us wake up early on Saturday to jog, watch cartoons or whatever, but not me. The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can’t stand the taste of my breath any longer. Now I get to do exactly that for 5 days straight! Haha, not cool, but it feels so, so fine.

I am, however, having serious hard time getting used to the fact that in two days, I have to get out of bed every morning to go to work. Man, must it be this soon? Wow, I can only imagine what it’ll look like inside my in-tray in this exact moment. Hopefully, nothing that will make me crawls back to the hospital’s bed anytime soon. Finger crossed.

Okay, the first half of 2010 did not exactly get off to a great start, thanks to few little ‘bumps’ I stumbled along the way. This health scare situation was one of them. So now, I want a new start. A new beginning. Yes, I need new, fresh perspectives on life. My own life. To take control of it. And re-invent a little on how I live it from now on.

I’ve also been bad; ignored or hurt the feeling of some people that I care the most, and did few things I can say I am not particularly proud of, but I guess once you have the revelation, it will never too late to do something about it and make it right again, right?

So at home, in my quiet time, I have listed down all the things that I want to change in my life for the better, but no, don’t get too excited about it - nothing too drastic. I will start small, you know like confessing and admitting that ‘I have a problem’ for starter. See how it’ll go from here.

And for the love of God, I won’t reveal the list here because it’s pretty irrelevant, I mean to the public and it’s quite damning too. It’s not like something that I haven’t said before anyway, so no one misses anything, really. Only this time, I truly feel and understand the importance of making it happen. Or maybe I’ll just die trying.

I have a feeling, you will see the new me eventually - the stronger one, who’d take a great care of his health and enjoy his life more, for the sake of the people who love him dearly. I won’t be the old idiot who tends to harm and destruct himself foolishly - that’s not the person I want to be. I must not and will not. Because I don’t need that kind of stress in my life anymore.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


For days now I’ve had this nagging headache. Not like any kind of headache. I am pretty sure this isn’t like migraine or the kind you feel when you just had a bad concussion. This one feels like the ground under my feet keeps moving with me anytime I make a sudden movement - just like the time when I strangled a stray cat in my kitchen or even when I bended down to pick the cat’s body on the floor. God, I think I have lost my body balance.

It was all started last Monday. I was having a fairly indescribable nightmare and literally jumped out of my bed at 3 in the morning. I remember I tried to walk to the toilet to wash my face but the next thing I know I was laying on the floor - spread-eagle. I swear, for a second I thought my flat was shaking to an earthquake! And then I realized nothing else was moving except for my limbs.

Still, on the next day, I went to work because, you know, I am a dedicated worker, plus I didn’t think it was a serious medical condition and I had an all-important training to attend to.

Sure, for two days after that, I was leaning on the wall most of the time, like an overweight lizard. I couldn't walk straight, so I went to see the doctor.

He listened to me for a few minutes and then he said ‘ahh..vertigo’. I tried to say something smart and asked, ‘you mean like the U2 song?’ He gave me the blank look. Almost a hiss. Suddenly I felt like a Zionis agent to him, so I shut my mouth. He then prescribed few funny-looking pills and asked me to take them all after every meal and to see him again in two days, if the problem persists.

It’s gotten worse on Friday. Not only the headache didn’t go away, I was developing rashes around my arms and my left foot was feeling numb too. I was like a ticking bomb, so I went to see the doctor again. He immediately wrote me a reference note to the specialist of my choice to further check the condition.

At the specialist, I was recommended to be warded so that they can run a few tests on me; cause according to the doctor, vertigo can caused by several reasons and one of them is hypertension. And the ironic thing was the wards were all full, due to sudden surge in ILI or women in labor, so they had to send me back until someone else checked out or *gulp*...died! Talk about unnecessary pressure!

As I write this today, I am still at home, resting my skull and waiting for the hospital to call me. It’s been more than 24 hours now, so I guess the wards still teeming with sick people but I am all good with that. Because you know what, I am scared of anything white, sterile-smelling room and women in labor…

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Pain Of Losing

I guess it has already been established I am not a sport fan – no, really, not unless you can count playing spider solitaire on my PC or thumbing the keypad on my cell phone as organized sports!

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against supporting or promoting healthy lifestyle, trust me, I am all for it. I am just not sure it’s mentally and emotionally healthy for me anymore.

Case in point; as I watched the train-wreck they called ‘Malaysian team’ playing for Thomas Cup tonight; I keep asking myself, Why?

Yes, why? Why every time I get pumped up supporting our homegrown heroes in the name of nation’s glory, they let us down faster than we say ‘Malaysia Boleh!’ My head spins from sheer disappointment. And not to mention, losing my precious sweet baritone from yelling and cursing or both. Now I feel more depressed than ever. Good Lord, maybe I should play for the national team instead. Lose a few (!) kilos, get fit and damn, get a better coach.

Oh wait, that probably wouldn’t be my first time. You see, I did try to play badminton before. Seriously. I mean I tried to.

When I was 13 or something, my schools was having this school-level badminton tournament and I remember I foolishly signed up for it. As it turned out, it was a giant mistake for me. Malaysia was fresh off from winning the Thomas Cup back then and so I guess I was a little carried away like everybody else. I thought I got it. I had this stupid, misguided delusion that I can play and actually win this thing – courtesy of my mother!

Needless to day, I lost a humiliating and some-kind-of-world-record, 15-0, 15-0 straight set on the very first match. And adding insult to the injury, the infamous game lasted less than 20 minutes and as if, it wasn't bad enough, it was watched by the entire school! The match itself was an instant 'classic’ (this was before Youtube) and I was crowned the school’s biggest 'doofus’ and had been everyone’s butt of joke ever since - not exactly the ‘fame’ I was seeking, but legendary nonetheless.

For a few years after that, I had been begging my parent to send me away for therapy, rehab and even military school. I even tried to change my identity and convinced my parent to move to another town but to no avail. My mom would simply say, “Don’t get too hung up on yourself, in few days people will forget all about it!”

I know they would, but I don’t. Sometimes I wonder what it is about the sport that pains me the most and I say, ‘Oh yeah, the losing’. And I never quite recover from it.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Maybe I Was Just Jealous!

A high-flying friend gets extremely distress when a Longchamp Xlight bag he just bought less than a month ago got tattered a little. For most of us who are still living below the poverty line, me included, this won’t necessary call for the state emergency but considering how much the bag would have cost us, I say we might as well be!

So my friend went to send the bag to its local seller, hoping to get it fixed. Alas after a month of anxiously waiting, he was told, no repair service was provided and his demand for a new replacement of that ‘poor’ quality bag was also met with an icy shoulder. Understandably my friends got so really upset as if he was just losing his own child!

He has every right to be angry. It’s a RM850 bag for God’s sake. How anyone could not get that livid? Of course, if you’re in the list of Forbes 500 Richest People in the World, you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid - to which I say, “Call me!”

Needless to say, the Twitterland was exploded right away. He immediately launched a smear campaign against the brand, trying to throw the fashion world into chaos from Paris to New York by sending hate-tweets to Longchamp worldwide. Erm, wow, I have a strange feeling this is somehow gonna work and we might as well hear about it in the news soon. Anyway you hang in there, Herman. I believe sooner or later you’ll get what you deserve – a sweet revenge and a brand, new Longchamp bag!

I just can only afford to sympathize, re-tweet and offer you a hug.

Sure, every now and then, I, too, like to appreciate finer things in life, why not? Once in a while I like to treat myself with Nando's and Kenny Rodger’s. Sometimes I also buy a really expensive tiramisu cake from 5-star hotel and when I am down I like to splurge on several tubes of Hagen Daaz ice cream.

So okay, I prefer spending my money on food than anything else. I don’t see the point of spending so much dough on things I can’t digest. At least with food they don’t require polishing, servicing or going out of fashion before I do.

And I don’t care about luxury brands too. You may still see me with a grocery plastic bag in my hands and I will work and make it look good, well maybe a little less ‘green’ but still fashionably fabulous.

It isn’t often this dramatic for me but, I wish to contribute to the world in more direct and tangible ways - like joining refugee mission in Darfur or tour India’s slums in search of enlightenment. While I may not be emptying my wallet at Harrod’s or throwing money at the shopping strips in Dubai or Milan, I feel I still can contribute to the world economy. You know, like buying my toiletries at The Body Shop. Not only I can look pretty and smell nice, I can save a turtle too!

I must say I feel really good about it.