Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Fact Of Life

I am just annoyed by how fast I am losing my hair. Now I look like Bruce Willis after some decades of terrible luck. It’s really frustrating.

A few nights ago, after changing the bulb light in my room, I was finally able to look in the mirror clearly and see the reflection of my pores. And just like that, I was struck with a bolt of distilled horror like I have never known before.

Forget the clogging pores, dammit, I noticed how shiny my head looked like in the mirror, much like the oily backside of a newborn baby!

"Oh Man, this is really bad. It’s starting!"

And this, despite the fact that I drenched my scalp with franch oil for years now, every time I stand in front of a mirror, which quite honestly, about two dozen times a day.

And Oh.My.God. The franch oil makes my scalp itch madly, which feels like my genetic material mutating up there. Sheesh, I tell you, before I am sixty, I’ll mostly likely have to have my cancerous scalp removed and replaced with hip tissue because of that goddammit cheating oil.

Still I can't help it, my loser-with-dangerously-thinning-hair self need something that will 'work' with my toxic scalp right now. And as far as I am concerned, baldness is the male breast cancer. Only much worse because almost everyone gets it. True, it’s not life threatening. Just social life threatening. But in the planet where I live in, there is no different.

Urm, you know what, I am thinking maybe I should just get my head tattooed to look like very short stubble instead. Nobody would know unless they got very close to me, right? - my intimacy issues prevent that. Genius, right?

Fine. Okay, maybe I go a lil' overboard with this hair thing. Whatever!

So yesterday I went to Jusco and saw this product in the hair section called 'C. Michael’s Anti Hair Loss Treatment Spray and Shampoo'. The label claims "promotes the growth of healthy hair and leaves hair with healthy body, volume and shine". I bought three bottles.

The technology has improved, was my thinking. So will be my chances in my soon-to-be thriving social life.

It better be.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love And The Meaning Of All That!

Raya used to be a special, joyous occasion for me. It was hugely an important day - bigger than the day I found my legs were covered with hair or the knowledge that I could now sperminate a girl with a healthy uterus. I religiously marked my little calendar months in advance. I simply couldn’t wait to put on my brand new raya clothes and my new raya shoes that my mom had painstakingly color-coordinated with the rest of our family members.

It was the day too, I was allowed to watch TV all day long and play with some hand-made mercun, which, by the way, probably were smuggled from our neighbouring countries. Raya was the only day I truly felt like belong - kinda like grand birthday bash for me that everybody are celebrating. It really did

Sigh, now not anymore. I guess, only kids can see that unrealistic, border-less optimism that no adult can.

We see, treat and feel the day exactly like any other day in our adult, hot-mess year. Okay maybe a little less Monday morning and more like Friday night but still, we can shake off the feeling of ordinariness that lingers throughout our waking moments - raya or not. We become jaded and materialistic to the core that clouded our inner, much deserved happiness. Thus, there’s nothing much to look forward to this year, except you know maybe, a couple of nagging questions like, "Man, how will I lost this extra 10kg of post raya weight?", "Did I forget to turn the faucet off before I left?".

Strangely nowadays, raya has become the day of utter emptiness and hollowness; Sadly, much like my wallet and bank account right this moment.

A few days before Raya, I was on the phone with my dear friend, Herman. He’s the kind of 'go-to' friend whenever I have some personal issues where I can’t tell anybody else about, even my mother or especially my mother. We’ve been friends for years and I find it endearing how comfortable we are with each other and able to just be. And I love him for that. (I, however detest him for having such thick hair and being 32 while I have almost no hair and just, erm, 27 and all)

Anyway, we were talking about our raya preparations and stuff when suddenly he mentioned something quite staggering. It completely threw me way off balance.

"I am hiring a maid for my mother to help her out for raya," he said triumphantly, as though he just won a political seat in local election.

Whoa, that’s so original of him. Where did he come out with that idea? Oprah? Hallmark Channel? Queer eye for the straight guy?!

"Really? That’s so sweet and so thoughtful of you."

He let the idea sunk in with me before launching the inevitable. "So, what did your get for your mom this year?"

I chewed on my thumbnail.

"Owh, the same thing I always give her - Money!"

This was followed by an awkward, crushing silent.

"Why don't you get her someone to help her too? This would be a grand gesture from you to her, a great 'ang pow' raya. I am sure she’ll appreciate that".

Aces aligned in my eyes, like a winning slot.

The truth is, the idea of hiring a cleaning lady in Kulai is not as bourgeois as it might be in KL, really, but , hmm, still..

"You know what other thing you should do? Try getting one for yourself”. He added with pretend concerns.

Gosh, he’s probably right. I am such a lazy bum, relying on my good looks alone to see me through life. I would never have time to clean my apartment. As it was, I was reduced to taking one Sunday a month and just scooping everything into trash bags.

I mean, I regularly drop off my laundry to be washed and folded, so why wouldn't I have somebody else to scrub the inside of my toilet bowl?

Suddenly the idea wasn’t felt that extravagantly bourgeois after all.

"Maybe I should”, I said to him in a renewed conviction.

I hung up before he got the chance to further guilt-trip me.

That wise friend of mine, always has something brilliant to share. As you can see, he’s happy to share the Raya’s ultimate secrets of happiness to me; togetherness, be thankful for everything that we had, blah, blah, blah you know, that sort of thing.

Well, at least one of us really knows the true meaning of Raya, doesn’t he?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Secrets And Lies

It’s a predicament I have to deal with every year – ‘to celebrate or not to celebrate?’, 'to blow or to pass?’, 'to lie or not to tell the truth?’ A part of me relishes the idea of balloons-presents-cakes-and-clowns combo but at the same time it’s also a cruel reminder on how close I am to senility.

Oh yeah, last Friday was my big day, it was my birthday, my so called anniversary. No, No, don’t ask me, “Yang ke berapa?” I won’t respond to that. It wasn’t even on the cake. I almost ripped the salesgirl’s face at the bakery for asking, “nak berapa lilin, bang? Yang besar nak 7 ke 8?” I just wasn’t in the mood for bad, tasteless joke.

You see, all I wanted for my birthday this year is solitude - a little peace and quiet from numbly, obnoxious questions like, “So how old are you now?”, "Why aren’t you getting married already?” but not getting questions like that in this special day is akin to avoiding bullets in Operation Desert Storm, it’s a losing battle. So at the end, I decided to play along and lie!

“I am embracing my life, as well as my increasing age.” (Lie!)

“I am actually one of those people that actually enjoy getting older.” (More lies!)

“I am 27.” (LIE! LIE! LIE!)

Yikes. I know that’s sick. But the fun thing is people tend (or pretend) to buy that. They usually go, ‘Wow, really? You don’t look a day older than 25. What’s your secret?’

"Well, unless if you live in space - in absence of the gravity or rather the pull of the gravity, you don’t sag - not taking things too seriously and having a good laugh once in a while, will definitely do the trick.”

And that’s exactly how I spent my birthday – having a good fun laugh. I watched Emmy winning new comedy show, Modern Family marathon on Astro and it was a HILARIOUS. And I'm talking the uninhibited, laugh-out-loud, knee-slapping, eyes-watering, till-my-side-hurt kinda hilarious. It felt like my whole body was shaking and laughing.

It’s fantastic new show on TV right now. It's smart and funny and about people who connect to form a strong and beautiful family, despite differing ages, sexual orientations, personalities, and cultures. Plus, a great performance from all cast. I love this show very, very much and I think you’ll love it too.

Phew, I feel 10 years younger already.