Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"Release The Kraken!"

This happen to me every year; days or even weeks into Ramadan, a pack of unscrupulous 'strangers’ (people who've never acknowledged my existence before, and suddenly become chummy with me) would come out of the woodwork pushing their Raya “must-haves” to me – you know, things like Baju Raya, Keronsang Raya, Kasut Raya, Tudung Raya or even *roll eyes* One Drop Perfume Raya (unbelievable!) - but mostly they are after me for their Kuih Raya varieties.

And I - being a gullible, sympathetic fool - would normally “force” to buy them in droves. Not that I desperately need 10 types of pineapple tarts or 20 packets of Rempeyek Kacang Hijau or anything like that; it’s just that, in this time of year, every little half-baked, bland, tasteless mold would appear like cuisine to me.

I tell you, the situation in the office is so chaotic, I sometimes imagine myself a lost Japanese tourist in an ancient temple somewhere in Southern India mobbed by underage beggars asking for small change. It’s maddening. And this would usually end up badly for me.

By the end Syawal, I would be stuck with boxes full of unopened tubs of a dozen of tarts varieties and I’d be forced to live off butter, flour and eggs and fats until my next paycheck. I guess, it means, I’d be too broke then to spend on healthy, nutritious food for a full one month. I would end up with at least 10 kilo overweight, that's for sure.

And the circle continues. Year out, year in.

So this year I want to make some changes to this routine. I am putting the record straight here.

The way I see it, people are taking advantage on my perennial (and yet charming) single status. They pity me for sure, but mostly they see me as a goldmine or a slot machine in the casino or maybe they see a big Ringgit sign on my forehead or whatever. I don’t know.

They think, single people got away with a lot of things, with a lot of dough in our hands to spend on ourselves only. They also probably think we are all selfish jerk who don’t care about others and averse to charities. Wrong! As the eldest in the family, I probably spend more money on my family back home during Raya than any single country’s pledge to Humanitarian Aid to Pakistan Flood at this moment. (I am not kidding. My mom and my sisters are of a very high taste and they know ‘exactly’ what they want)

I need to put a stop to this. This must end now.

So anyone who dares to come near my cubicle after this, just prepare yourself, “strangers”! I am imagining myself looks like Liam Neeson in ‘Clash of The Titans’ and I will chase you out in a booming Zeus voice, “Release the Kraken!”

And the Kraken will rage up, “EEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!”

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Blame Game

I am a mess. Right now, my room looks exactly like an exploded recycle plant or something. It’s a total hopeless situation. There’s a pile after pile of unrecognized, urm, stuff. And man, it looks like something can really evolve in there.

Relax, I am not gonna post any photo evident here. The image would be too shocking, too gruesome; it’d give you weeks of sleepless nights. Trust me, I, haven’t sleep that well for weeks now.

Lately I am too tired to clean up after myself. Since the start of Ramadan, I feel too bushed and sleepy like, all the time to even care about my personal hygiene, much less, personal grooming. This year, fasting seems a little bit harder than before. I just lie around on my bed and wait for my housemate to dab wet towel around my mouth. I feel like I am 2-year old again.

For the most part, my day consists of sitting in a chair or lying, and maybe 'microwave-ing' something for berbuka, if I really want to strain myself. As such, I’m not really exerting myself that much, and thus, I usually don’t feel that dirty. I still shower every day, at least once a day. But I often just put the same clothes on after I shower, because they don’t seem “dirty” to me. I’m not above spraying some perfume or some air freshener on a t-shirt that I’ve already worn for two days and putting it on again. Does this make me gross? I’m actually pretty smell-conscious, and I think I can tell when an article of clothing has gone "sour”. Just this week, I wore the same pair of sweatpants and the same t-shirt for two and a half days. Does this make me gross? Not public sewage gross, but normal gross?

And just a couple days ago, I watched this Oprah re-run on Hallmark and she had this so-called special segment for hoarders in America. It’s basically about what are they and how they live their life - their home, family and stuff.

All I can say, *cue roll eyes*, “That’s nothing, dahling, come see my room now, and those hoarders’ houses would look like a NASA Research Lab in comparison". Seriously.

The thing that really bugs me right now, and probably shocking to some people, I used to be very neat and tidy *cue laugh track*. I freaked out seeing my dirty laundry lying around the house and I never wore the same socks two days in a row. (I am sure my ex-housemate, Hasmiron can attest to that)

God, I really don’t know how did I get here? I really want my old self back – the neat and the not-so-fat one, but right now it's too hot and I am thirsty. Sigh.

Great. Now instead of getting up and doing something about it, I find it much easier to blame it on puasa and write about it here.

And, as the Queen Oprah said on the show; it’s the first common thing among us, lazy ass, hoarders.

Damn you!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

When I Send You This Letter, It Means Trouble!

This “unfortunate” incident happened two days before we all welcomed the Holy month of Ramadan, so excuse me, if I sounds a little 'un-Eid Mubarak', but being fooled and played around like a lapdog really drove me up the wall. Now tell me, what would you have done differently?


To Customer Service Manager and to whomever this may concern;

I’ve been subscribing your mobile service for many, many years now and never once did I make a major fuss about anything before, but what happened to me this morning really flew me off the handle and left me with no other choice but to write you this complaint letter against your less-than-desirable customer service standard.

I called your Customer Service Contact Centre this morning, around 7am and managed to speak with one of your customer service officers (CSO), which, the name I really couldn’t recall now. (I am sure you’ll be able to retrieve the call from your system/record)

I told him I bought a Nokia phone through Phone Hot Deal Promotion from Maxis Store on 28 November 2009. But today I couldn’t switch the phone on and since it’s still under warranty, my question to him was, “Where do I bring this phone for check up?”, “Do I bring it to Maxis Centre or Nokia Customer Care?” Apparently it was too much to ask!

He insisted that I should go to Maxis Centre and NOT Nokia Customer Care, even though I mentioned several time to him, it was more convenient for me to go Nokia Centre instead. I admit I was a little agitated about that but I said, fine, I went to Maxis Centre in KLCC anyway.

And BAM, whaddaya know, after braving the traffic, circling for parking and waiting in line for hours, I was unceremoniously turned away by your staff in the counter because, (surprise!) “We only entertained IPhone and Blackberry users”.

And to top off the humiliation, they even had the audacity to suggest me to bring my ‘lowly’ phone to Nokia Care Centre or ‘anywhere else where phone repair services' are offered!! Are you kidding me?

Of course I was exploded – like a busting dam. And rightly so! Is this some kind of sick joke?! Do you guys got a kick from seeing your customers running around like a fool?! Does your staff really know what are they doing?

In retrospect, I feel bad for the staff at KLCC centre now though for taking the heat from me for your incompetent CSO.

I don’t want to be difficult or unreasonably demanding but your CSO could have saved me a lot of trouble and time if he just told me the correct information the first time I asked him. I hate people wasting my time and energy for something unproductive and stupid like this. Do review my call this morning with him should you have any doubt about this or just think I was making this up.

I always considered myself a very reasonable man and had never been so livid. If it isn’t because I already signed up for your stupid plan/contract I wouldn’t wait a second to terminate the line - which I probably will!

This is by no means is an exhaustive list of the poor customer service from the so called leader in telco industry in the country. The trouble I had to go through this morning caused by your CSO was costly and it is unacceptable to be treated in this manner. I hope that this is a one-time experience that I will never have to endure again. However, I feel compelled to make my complaint known if for no other reason than I do not wish to see anyone else go through an experience such as this. Please respond with how you have handled this issue and how I can be sure this will never happen to me again.

Buck up

A very angry Customer


They called me back the next day, twice, yeap - TWICE, to apologize profusely and also to report that an appropriate action had already been taken to the CSO-in-question. And Oh, they also offered to waive my August bill for the trouble they caused me.

Neat. Okay, I wasn’t expected that, but fine, I am happy now. That did actually make things a little bit alright and definitely had changed everything.

Not sure if I wanted to start my Ramadan on that note though.

Eid Mubarak, everybody!

Friday, August 6, 2010

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

I want a good life
But I don’t want to look too eager
I want a good laugh
But not at the expense of others

I want to be heard
But no one is interested

I want to be praised
But I can’t stop being bad

I want to lose some weight
But I hate getting out of bed

I want to look good in nude
But seeing myself in the mirror put me in a bad mood

I want to love and be loved
But then again, it’s probably more than I deserved

Life is too cruel to be thankful
People are too unkind to be truthful
So I just weep and cry
Roll and whine
'Cause I know I may not always get what I want

Mus the Ungrateful Whiner
4 August 2010
Maytower Hotel, KL

Monday, August 2, 2010

Mr. Goodwrench

I am a man who always came ready with a joke, but when my car wouldn’t start yesterday morning, my sunny outlook on life turned overcast.

I went for a breakfast with a friend that morning and was about to leave when I noticed something amiss - my car made almost no sound when I turned the ignition – and apparently so did my heart. It stopped cold. I was already late for an urgent appointment and this absolutely would necessitate a double prescription for antidepressant.

Truthfully, I don’t remember all the banality that followed after that. All I knew was, I felt numb and disassociated. Just like when I kicked the headmaster’s son on the head in the playground as a boy, I understood only that something awful had just blindsided me.

I am no Chairman of Battery Council International or something, but I was pretty sure my car battery went dead.

Now, the thing about changing the battery isn’t as simply as plugging the car overnight to your bedroom wall. It is much more complicated than that. First you’d need a new battery, and then of course you’d need a person who knows how to change them. And rest assured that “person” wouldn’t be me.

I know I shouldn’t be so worried about killing myself when changing the car batteries on my own. But what worried me the most was to maim myself. So I rather leave that to the professionals. Honestly I can’t really see myself donning a pair of work gloves and splash-proof polycarbonates goggles to protect my manicured hands and eyes from battery acid and sparks. (Heck, I’ve never ever even been to an auto-parts store before, oh wait, except to buy vacuum bags for my vacuum cleaner)

Anyway, lucky for me, the car workshop wasn’t really that far from the place of event, so I walked a mile to the workshop, practically screaming for help.

In less than an hour or so my car was all done and ready to go, but not before I heard this wise-cracking, philosophical observation from the mechanic.

"Assuming the car is your body, the battery is like the heart. Eventhough in bodily sex-appeal rating it scores into the bottom half of the list - just inching ahead of the nose hair - it’s keeping everything together. Without it, the “body” won’t be able to function"

A very wise man, indeed, but don’t I know that already?