"Release The Kraken!"

This happen to me every year; days or even weeks into Ramadan, a pack of unscrupulous 'strangers’ (people who've never acknowledged my existence before, and suddenly become chummy with me) would come out of the woodwork pushing their Raya “must-haves” to me – you know, things like Baju Raya, Keronsang Raya, Kasut Raya, Tudung Raya or even *roll eyes* One Drop Perfume Raya (unbelievable!) - but mostly they are after me for their Kuih Raya varieties.

And I - being a gullible, sympathetic fool - would normally “force” to buy them in droves. Not that I desperately need 10 types of pineapple tarts or 20 packets of Rempeyek Kacang Hijau or anything like that; it’s just that, in this time of year, every little half-baked, bland, tasteless mold would appear like cuisine to me.

I tell you, the situation in the office is so chaotic, I sometimes imagine myself a lost Japanese tourist in an ancient temple somewhere in Southern India mobbed by underage beggars asking for small change. It’s maddening. And this would usually end up badly for me.

By the end Syawal, I would be stuck with boxes full of unopened tubs of a dozen of tarts varieties and I’d be forced to live off butter, flour and eggs and fats until my next paycheck. I guess, it means, I’d be too broke then to spend on healthy, nutritious food for a full one month. I would end up with at least 10 kilo overweight, that's for sure.

And the circle continues. Year out, year in.

So this year I want to make some changes to this routine. I am putting the record straight here.

The way I see it, people are taking advantage on my perennial (and yet charming) single status. They pity me for sure, but mostly they see me as a goldmine or a slot machine in the casino or maybe they see a big Ringgit sign on my forehead or whatever. I don’t know.

They think, single people got away with a lot of things, with a lot of dough in our hands to spend on ourselves only. They also probably think we are all selfish jerk who don’t care about others and averse to charities. Wrong! As the eldest in the family, I probably spend more money on my family back home during Raya than any single country’s pledge to Humanitarian Aid to Pakistan Flood at this moment. (I am not kidding. My mom and my sisters are of a very high taste and they know ‘exactly’ what they want)

I need to put a stop to this. This must end now.

So anyone who dares to come near my cubicle after this, just prepare yourself, “strangers”! I am imagining myself looks like Liam Neeson in ‘Clash of The Titans’ and I will chase you out in a booming Zeus voice, “Release the Kraken!”

And the Kraken will rage up, “EEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!”