Sunday, February 24, 2008

Boy, Do I Look Fat!?

I have always dreaded being photographed. I almost never look good in it. I will look either like two fat ladies hugging each other or like some prehistoric dinosaur with awkward limbs. Truth is - camera simply hate me.

Once I tried to politely decline but my friends would never let me have it. They thought I was being snooty or simply vain but trust me, I know exactly what dinosaur looks like and they probably weren’t as huge as I do in photos!

So I vowed never to share my photos with the public unless they adequately airbrushed and ‘photoshop' ed.

Then salvation comes in a photographer friend who happily offers these trauma-reducing, trick-to-the-eyes tips with us.

1. Don’t put your arms too close to your sides. Lift your arms out a bit – or you will look like a sack of potatoes. Or maybe three.
(Not much luck huh?)

2. When standing up, put your one foot slightly in front of the other as if you are stomping a rat - for a slimming effect. Though the ‘actual’ slimming will definitely do a much different.

3. Don’t frown as if you have a bad case of constipation. Smile to the lens so to give your face an extra glow. (Or you can simply turn off the camera’s red eye reduction mode to give similar effect). This will take attention away from your ‘glowing’ guts!

4. For Heaven's sake, cover your unflattering guts with something, like small pillow.

or you can simply use your own hands.

5. Never look straight at the camera. Turn slightly to the side for a softer look. Like this..

People will forget to look at the other ‘softer’ part!

6. Since your pores are now up to public scrutiny, consider distraction (or confusion) – to trick their eyes. Or poke, whatever.

Wear loose-fitting outfit (no that’s not me)

or try a hideous wig while at it. (Me!)

7. Don’t take the pictures yourself. You will lose your best angle plus...urrgg.. it’s pathetic!

8. And finally BE PREPARED!


Rehearse the look you want to give! Be camera ready all the time, like your life depends on it and you know, if this doesn’t work, NOTHING WILL!
(O and find a really good plastic surgeon is the other way to go)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Energy Equals Mass Times The Velocity Of Light Squared

I am a man with many wishes. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are...umm...really really bad. But my conscience is always clear – In life, when something is so deliciously good, so delectably wicked, I gotta have it...all!

In exactly 56 days, my car stereo will know the true meaning of ‘played to death’, my housemate will beg for my mercy and our local radio stations will have to issue restraining order for me.

Until that 'sweet day' comes, I am gonna be in 'the cloud of reverie'. O yes, you, my 'sweet sweet fantasy'.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

You've Been Warned!

Stuck in traffic, and bored out of my wits, I wiled away the time by staring at the back of the small lorry ahead of me, with a rather distinctive warning.

Wonder if the warning was for the atrocious spelling or for possible traffic hazard.

Either way, I was stunned.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I Should Have Thought Of That

“I‘ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me” Elayne Boosler

Why haven’t I thought about that?

Feels Like Birthday

Today marked one year I have been with my current employment. Shock huh? Don’t be. I’ve had hard time to believe that either.

Time really does flies, they say. Nevertheless, I am quite pleased with this little ‘milestone’. It might be small achievement to many but sure it’s a huge deal to me. Those who know me know why.

It kinda likes a second birthday for me, really. So I woke up this morning thinking, “Maybe a little treat to my fellow officemate would be nice”.

No I didn’t bring this cake to work. For illustration purposes only.

Well, it’s nothing fancy. No cake, no speech, no candles to blow, no people singing ‘Happy Birthday’ or God-forbid, ‘Membangun Bersama’. But I am quite al right with it. In fact I like it this way. No pressure.

I haven’t been able to dream before. I dared not to, but today might be the start of something new. I can feel it.

Another year, another challenge. Bring it on!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Azril And His Party

What’s with that cheap T-shirt? For goodness sake! You are the birthday boy and you are supposed to be camera ready, like all the time.

Sometimes you think you know a person and then BAM! they reveal something totally incredible that you don’t know what to believe anymore. Like when wrinkled face Azril told me he was turning 24 this month. I know it’s hard to believe (Just look at the photo on the top) but shockingly it’s true.

Gasp!! He’s two years younger than me and I was completely clueless all this while. (Gosh, I really should hang out with my friends more often)

Anyway, lie or no lie, he was kind enough to invite me to his supposedly 24th birthday at his new apartment last Friday night. Honestly at first, I expected nothing less than black ties and glitzy gowns kinda party and boy, was I sorely short-charged!

Instead, to my eventual surprise, the party was thoroughly low-key. I think there were only around 13 of us. (I trust, he got way more friends than that but maybe due to ‘space constraint’ most of them might have ‘missed’ the invitation)

I shall not divulge on the details on itinerary of the event because you see, there were almost, err..none. No games. No stripper. Only us having a few hours of rowdy good times. I tell you we were so loud sometimes someone might have called the police for public disturbance. But how can anyone blame us? Azril was a joy to torment.

It was really a nice little friendly get together after all. The ambiance was right. Mariah Carey’s best-loved hits filled the air in harmony with our boisterous laugh throughout the night, which I like. Cable was out but thank God (questionable) movie was in the house. And the company was simply amazing.

But the real star of the night got to be the food - glorious food, prepared mostly by our in-house Chef Hafez. I simply adore his famous Mee Bandung. Scrumptious. (Pass me the recipe, will ya!)

If chocolate is sinful, this is blasphemy!

I had a whale of time and what a night that was. (For more sensational, true-Hollywood-story type of photos, do visit Azril's blog

I only left after five hours of great fun but never really got the chance to say thank you (or sorry, whichever most appropriate) to the host and birthday boy. Then my hand phone throbbed. The message read:

Hi guys. Thanks for coming. It was a great moment and I will never forget every second I had just now. I do really thank to Allah for giving me the chance to meet and have u guys as my fwens. Seriously I do really appreciate and value this relationship. I love u guys so much!

Aaaaaww….. No, Azrill, thank YOU!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Hair Rising Situation

Being hairy is no longer romantic.

The look of the hairy beast is no longer perceived as macho, man-of-the man look. Now, the very sight of anything big and furry will be immediately shot down as elusive, big foot by your local forest ranger. Or you can easily be mistaken for the bearded lady from Russian three-ring-circus.

So, I am ready to rid myself of the hair on my back, arms, chest & places; shall I say, south of the border?

The slap on the head?

Someone bought me a pack of hair removal kit cause you know, according to him; I shed more hair than a wet warthog backside. Obviously he is tired of picking up on my toxic disposed of unwanted body particles.

Truth, I didn’t a bit take it personally since I don’t find vacuuming around the house all weekend is more appealing than he does either.

So I am gonna do exactly what was told cause I truly believe waxing wouldn’t make me any less of a man - but maybe screaming like a little girl from the process - does!

Please, 'macho' is such an overrated word.