I’m Sorry I Was Being A Jerk To You And Chose Not To Remember It

It’s that time of the year again. Yeah. It’s that time where forgiveness is sought and the new beginning is cherished. I am humbled and truly blessed to be able to celebrate Hari Raya with my family and the loved ones for yet another year. Times like these are rare – just like the time where I decided to let loose a friend over something I don’t even remember anymore.

I don’t usually discuss this little particular “pickle” of my life in the public domain, in fact I never did. I thought it was easier to completely forget the whole mess and moved on with life. I was wrong. I learned I could never run from anger and hatred. I need to have a certain kind of closure. Forgiveness can heal the pain, so they say. But as it turned out, it is much easier said than done. I know I’ve tried.

I am not perfect myself, so why is it hard for me to forgive a friend, who, in all of fairness, is probably clueless how the things he did to me has made me feel anyway?

I am not vindictive person, in fact far from it. People would steal my lunch in the morning and I am probably ready to make up in the evening. It’s just the way I am. I just need to know they know what they did me wrong and I’ll be fine. Is it too much to ask? I don’t need no apology. It’s just a strings of words put together. I want realization. And if they don’t even care to find out why I act the way I act then that really pisses me off.

But the last few days has, if anything, taught me, is that; not everything is about how I feel or what I want anymore. Not everyone subscribes to your point of view and agrees with you on anything. When it’s not worth to fight or waste your energy over something that don’t matter at all, it’s best to just forgive and forget.

Forgiveness is also about to let go your ego and be the bigger man. And if that means to be the first one to say sorry and offer the olive branch, so be it. Let that first person be me. I love my life too much to let my anger and hatred dictate my life. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

This time I mean it.

So to anyone who has ever been hurt by the way I acted or by the things I said during all the times we have the pleasure of spending together, I am sincerely sorry. I may not remember all those hurtful things I did, intentionally or not, to you, but my apology covers them all.

Or more accurately, I am sorry if I ever was being a jerk to you and I chose not to remember it.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Dan Batin.

Note: This post is especially dedicated to my closest of buddies, Hasmiron, Eijam, Sham, AJ and Shah, who has just made me realise, I am no more important than the person sitting next to us. You know what I mean.

Mawar Terpinggir

I invited few of my close friends to my ‘manor’ for berbuka puasa last Saturday night. Oh nothing fancy. Just a small group of people getting together over pruned dates and a bunch of unfortunate, tasteless-splat-they-called-food I got from the nearby Baazar Ramadan. Demmit.

So no, don’t ask about the menu spreads. It’s modest at best. Pause. Okay, here the awful truth; when you caught your guests having a BIG dinner right after they left your house, you should take the big hint. Ouch.

(Hmmmph, but at least I can take comfort knowing all my guests had been treated with such an ‘ahhmazing’ view from my roman balcony. That's right, when it comes to ambience and cosiness, my pad is second to none. Haha.)

Anyway, an opportunity to get together like this is rare - like finding an albino big foot in the wild. So I made it clear from the beginning - no other/personal invitations were welcomed. Close friends only. I wanted it to be an intimate affair - and I am glad to report everyone managed to do just that, obediently, err, well, ‘almost’ everyone anyway (Side eyes to Hasmiron).

After berbuka puasa together, we hang out and chatted some more until the wee hours of the morning, which served us quite alright since we all did agree to continue ‘catching up’ until bersahur time. We talked about so many things, from topics as serious as our current local political situations (blergh!) to the most inconsequential things imaginable like how the cap of Clorox bottle can ruin your fabrics (which was really, in fact a fascinating story). Bliss.

Anyhow, somehow, somewhere in the heat of the conversation my friends suddenly dropped a bombshell onto my laps - They actually have been hiding a secret from me. Oh no!

I don’t know what may have triggered the subject to this point, but I can’t help to wonder? Why now? Or maybe that was just the caffeine talking? But they finally decided to come forward and be honest to me about something. Something they said, they have been keeping from me for months or maybe close a year (OMG, this is so a la Desperate Housewives). The confession that made me goes, ‘Ah, that’s why’.

Just as exciting as this sound, you know, to feel like I was in the Wisteria Lane or something, the truth really stung me a little bit. I can't lie.

But, you know what, I learned to move on from here. It’s Ramadan after all. It’s water under the bridge. So it’s all good.

If anything, it was really an eye opener for me. I mean, who knows, something we say in jest one day can really hurt someone so bad, like forever, and the worst part, most of the time we don’t even really know it. Sigh.

I mean who would have really thought, a decent meal together with friends can lead to this soap opera worthy drama.

And Oh just to be clear, despite whatever just happened, I am not angry, I just wish I'd pick something else for our main entrée that night.

Scream!

This is so terrible, it took a few days to register in my brain. It's like when you are dreaming and you are so afraid that you scream but the situation is so awful that the scream can't be heard.

That is what this movie is like. I am screaming profanity!