I’m Sorry I Was Being A Jerk To You And Chose Not To Remember It

It’s that time of the year again. Yeah. It’s that time where forgiveness is sought and the new beginning is cherished. I am humbled and truly blessed to be able to celebrate Hari Raya with my family and the loved ones for yet another year. Times like these are rare – just like the time where I decided to let loose a friend over something I don’t even remember anymore.

I don’t usually discuss this little particular “pickle” of my life in the public domain, in fact I never did. I thought it was easier to completely forget the whole mess and moved on with life. I was wrong. I learned I could never run from anger and hatred. I need to have a certain kind of closure. Forgiveness can heal the pain, so they say. But as it turned out, it is much easier said than done. I know I’ve tried.

I am not perfect myself, so why is it hard for me to forgive a friend, who, in all of fairness, is probably clueless how the things he did to me has made me feel anyway?

I am not vindictive person, in fact far from it. People would steal my lunch in the morning and I am probably ready to make up in the evening. It’s just the way I am. I just need to know they know what they did me wrong and I’ll be fine. Is it too much to ask? I don’t need no apology. It’s just a strings of words put together. I want realization. And if they don’t even care to find out why I act the way I act then that really pisses me off.

But the last few days has, if anything, taught me, is that; not everything is about how I feel or what I want anymore. Not everyone subscribes to your point of view and agrees with you on anything. When it’s not worth to fight or waste your energy over something that don’t matter at all, it’s best to just forgive and forget.

Forgiveness is also about to let go your ego and be the bigger man. And if that means to be the first one to say sorry and offer the olive branch, so be it. Let that first person be me. I love my life too much to let my anger and hatred dictate my life. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

This time I mean it.

So to anyone who has ever been hurt by the way I acted or by the things I said during all the times we have the pleasure of spending together, I am sincerely sorry. I may not remember all those hurtful things I did, intentionally or not, to you, but my apology covers them all.

Or more accurately, I am sorry if I ever was being a jerk to you and I chose not to remember it.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Dan Batin.

Note: This post is especially dedicated to my closest of buddies, Hasmiron, Eijam, Sham, AJ and Shah, who has just made me realise, I am no more important than the person sitting next to us. You know what I mean.