The Unwavering Truth

Yeah, I think you know who I am. Big guy. Fun. Light-hearted. Full of jokes. I consider myself a star and live in sort of “Mus-Land” where I see the world through ‘the Mus Lens.”

That's right. I'm Mr. I’m-Gonna-Live-Forever. And therefore, I am void of any real emotion.

But now, after few trips to the reality hole they called it hospitals, which you can find these “real emotions” abundantly; I began to think, “Maybe I have indeed lived in my own little world”. It got my buried conscience all riled up.

And let me tell you why.

For the entire part of my life so far, I never have had to deal with the “ultimate truth of life” – Death. I still got all the numbers of the people that I most care about in the speed dial and I go about my daily life pushing the idea that every single one of them bursting with health, that they can still beat 5 guys at one time.

So when 3 days before New Year, I received a call from my brother saying my aunt has had passed away. It shocked me to the core. I kept saying to everybody, “….but I just saw her last week!” But none of that feeble stunned reaction could even compare to those of who were much closer to her, especially her sons.

I had to witness first hand how the people around her; that loved her very much, dealt with the untimely lost. I tried my hardest to understand and to feel how they felt but I guess it was unfair of me to be pretending like that. I could never totally match up to the sheer numbness of actually losing your mother, or parents, for that matter, unexpectedly.

Now speaking about unexpectedly; last Wednesday I visited a friend, who was out of the sudden diagnosed with stage 4, pancreas cancer - only months after involved in a freak accident. I was devastated. Seeing her in that terrible condition, with such a horrible twist of cruel fate, made me all choked up and speechless.

Reaching for her hands, I immediately realized my own ‘deficiency’. I didn’t know what to say or emote. In my head, I was thinking, ‘Do I look grim?’, ‘Do I smile?’, ‘What’s appropriate thing to say?’ It was so awkward and embarrassing. At the end, I just kept my trap shut. Maybe I did utter a single quip about ‘being strong or something’, through gritted teeth. Truth is I was hard-pressed to find a single word to express how or what exactly I felt. I always had my full denial mode turned on whenever I couldn't face the bleak truth.

I know I need a lot of growing up to do. But slowly yet surely, I will come to the point of realization that this life is, in fact, grim and surviving in this world is serious business. It is ridden with surprises and certainties.

And it cannot hide the fact that ‘this isn’t my land, and in this part of the world, I am not the star and I’ll be proven wrong and disappointed, time and time again’.